I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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