God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Blood and glitter go together right?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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