Dual....:-)
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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