so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
