When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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