Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i love accidental penises.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
