I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
