Moan for me like Helen Keller
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
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i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
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I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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