I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish I only lived at night.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
