well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
