Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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