i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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