I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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