I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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