Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
