Yo dont text me then not text me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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