His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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