the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
