the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
