All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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