He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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