I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
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In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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