we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
