I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
How does it feel to date your dad?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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