To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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