If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
