I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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