I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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