I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
