Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
