i just wanna soil my oats bro
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
