Where is the hickey?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize