I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
