When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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