I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
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i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
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Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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