Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
