i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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