i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
