The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
