i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
