We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
