Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
