I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
