My first STD was from a foam party
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She bit a glass in half.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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