How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
