What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We have so much sex to catch up on
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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