The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you didnt know i had herpes?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
