there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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