if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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