I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
