She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
