he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
