Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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