just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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