Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
