Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
