It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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